| How is it possible to feel as though you are drowning, while at the same time knowing that you are not? I feel as though I can take nothing else. If anything else happens, my legs will cramp and I will sink. It's scary because I don't think anyone sees how close I am to sinking. No one is around. No one is around to throw me a lifeline. Or maybe they are, but they just don't think that I'm worth it. I don't know which is scarier, that I've isolated myself so completely that there is no one, or that those I've chosen to be around don't care. Both equally scary, but in different ways. I do not know how to help my mom. I know nothing about marriages. I do not know how to fix them. I know what the Bible says, which should be enough, but for some reason it doesn't seem like it is in this instance. I am so scared that she is going to worry herself to death. All I can do is point her to God, and tell her to draw her strength from Him and His word, but I can't really tell her how to do that. I know how, but it's so hard to explain. I pray for her pretty much unceasingly, but it does not seem to be helping. I had to take her to the fire station yesterday because she had an anxiety attack. That was one of the scariest things I've ever had to do, especially since it seemed as though she was having a heart attack. So it's very good that it wasn't that. I do not know how to help my sister. I love her so much, but I seem to convey it in all the wrong ways. She yells or whines about everything I do. I am at a loss. She is 11, so I guess part of it is the fact that she's almost a teenager, but I think it's more. How do you love those who pretend as though they don't want or need your love, while you know that they really desperately do? I do not know how to help any of my friends. I see some of them heading down wrong paths, but I can do nothing to stop them. It is so frusterating to love someone, and see them doing something you know will only bring them disappointment, and not be able to do something. I suppose it once again comes down to loving them through it, but somehow letting them know how you feel about their choices. I do not know how to help me. I cannot sleep and when I do I have nightmares and wake up feeling tired. I do not know exactly what's wrong. I know I am worried about my family, but it's more than that. I have no earthly or heavenly idea either, about what I am supposed to do with my life. I feel utterly useless right now. I am so scared that I will not amount to anything. I am not in school (though I should be next semester) and I don't have a "real" job. I was going to go to school this semester, but stopped because sometime over the summer, it stopped feeling like it was something I was supposed to do. I very much miss the Crawfords (who moved to Virginia for those who don't know. So I lost my job, which even though it has nothing to do with me, didn't really help the whole useless feeling). With their leaving I feel as though I have lost the only part of my family that is relatively sane. Plus, Grace was the only one who hugged me on a regular basis, and we all know how WONDERFUL two year old hugs are :) Liz was the only one giving me godly advice, and Will was the only one with an infectious laugh that I saw on a regular basis. I keep praying that I will not be biased about the family I am going to nanny for now. I do not know what to do about church. DayStar doesn't seem to fit, but I don't know if that's a temporary thing because of how I feel or if it's a permanant thing. I do not want to be one of those people Allen always talks about; the people who leave as soon as a church isn't working for them. I do not want to leave because of feelings. I am speaking to God right now, but I feel as though our relationship is a bit strained right now. I am not sure why. I love Him as much as I ever have, easily more. I guess it's because I feel as though He is not listening to me. I feel like I am talking to a statute or crucifix for all the listening He seems to be doing. (It's interesting isn't it how when we are talking to a person face-to-face we assume they are listening because they are NOT answering. They are giving us their undivided attention, but we only know that because we can see them. Can't see God so how do we know He's listening if He doesn't answer?) But, He is there and I haven't drowned yet. Which I find utterly amazing. I should have already sunk to the bottom, and I would have if I didn't have anything else holding me up. And I am listening to some good advice I was given a few weeks ago. "Pay attention to the facts, not your emotions. Go to the Word to get the facts. They are there. You are precious to God." The facts are that God will never desert me. He has given me His word. If He were to break His word, He would not be God. He would be a sad imitation that I would not chose to follow. God loves me and will not crush me. And it's amazing because through everything I can feel Him ministering to me. So I feel like I am drowning, but the fact is that I am not. I will keep praising Him. "Praise is the mode of love which always has some element of joy in it...Don't we in praise somehow enjoy what we praise, however far we are from it?" ----A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis (62) |
